Living with disabilities

Firstly I want to say, today is a joyous occasion because Prince Harry and Meghan Merkle got married. To the happy couple I would like to say Congratulations and I hope you have a wonderful life together.

I had to get the happy stuff out of the way before I went onto what this blog is about.

I am a 31 year old Autistic, Dyslexic who has Depression and Muscularskeletal issues and live in one of the most expensive cities in the United Kingdom. Life for me is by no means a walk in the park.

I wake up every morning absolutely sore and in pain every day of my life. There has maybe been 3 days in the last 3 years where I have not woken up in pain. I have to take many medications some of which I have to take so that the others do not have an adverse reaction on me and cause me to have a stroke. Just walking to the bus stop in the morning causes me pain and if there is a wall that is high enough for me to sit on easily and get up easily from afterwards I have to use it.

I have had to suffer from abuse on the bus because my disabilities are what’s called a hidden disability and not obvious by the fact of crutches or a wheel chair. I have been called a “fat lazy bitch”, a “hypercondriac” and told that “I should put down the chrisps and get my fucking lazy ass to the gym”.  Can you imagine what that is like to hear every day just because I have asked an able bodied person to give up a priority seat so that I can sit down. There have been times that I have just wanted to cry myself to sleep at night wondering what is going to happen.

At work I have to have a Personal Evacuation plan because I cant walk down loads of steps safely. It is a major health and safety hazard. I have had to get a special chair ordered for me so that I am not always having to readjust the way I am sitting.

At home I have to have things that aid me in cooking and even going to the bathroom.

With all the things that are going on including the abuse I get on public transpportation I often find that I am struggling mentally. I find it hard to even get up and go into having a shower every day. I maybe shower once or twice a week. It can be so hard to remain positive when everything is so messed up with my own body. I am often thinking “at 31 this should not be my life”.

With my dyslexia I have to have special software at work which I only wish I had for when I am at home. That way when I am doing things like writing blogs I would be able to listen to the words that I am typing and pick up any errors I make. But this is so expensive.

I am trying to figure out how to survive all that goes on in my body and I have no help. Even worse, my benefits were stopped and that was helping me be able to stay in work 5 days a week. Since then I have had to take out credit cards and over drafts. I have had to take a woke given loan so that I could try and pau off some of the bills I acrued and now loose £500 of my salary every month just to pay it off. This is not the life I wanted to have. but I am stuck. There is no one to help me. I have had a GoFundMe Page to help at least with getting dyslexia equiptment and only two people have donated. No one cares to help someone who has had the world collapse around her.

Life with multiple disabilities is hard. Hopefully on Monday when I goto court to get the money back that was unjustly taken I will suceed.

If anyone feels like they want to help (no pressure) https://www.gofundme.com/dyslexic-equiptement-for-education

 

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Surviving

This word means a lot to me when I am having a good day that is. It signals that I am still standing even though I have gone through and am going through hell!

So to help me be strong I will tell you what I survived.

As a child I survive physical abuse from my family. I survived sexual abuse from the children of friends of the family who were in their teens. I was an undiagnosed dyslexic and autistic child which contributed to no friends and poor educatiom.

As an adult I survived an attempted rape. Various situations which I can put down to once again not understanding people and undiagnosed autism. And now am surviving emotional abuse from family once again.

I have chosen not to use the word victim because that denotes shame but I have nothing to be ashamed off. i have been let down and by people who should love and protect me… I will nolonger be ashamed!

Tired

I am so tired today.

I think the reason I am tired is because I am a good person who does what she can to make the world a nicer place and yet no one is willing to help me in my time of need! I know I am a good person. I write to prisoners on death row, I volunteer to cheer up Service Men and Women as well as the people who care for wounded warriers, I advocate for training for working class, I sit and talk to homeless people and hand out food, I feed stray animals, I help people in dia need and I do this with a smile on my face and when people no longer need me for what ever reason I move on to the next one and ask for nothing in return.

I was once someone who had dreams and hopes. I wanted to be in the military, asthma ruined that. I wanted to be a dancer, an accident which injured my knees stopped that. I wanted to act, my dyslexia stopped that. I wanted to teach, Dyslexia stopped that too. I wanted to be a tennis player, my co-ordination stopped that. I wanted to sing, but lack of exposure stopped that. I wanted to see amazing wonders, my finances stopped that. I wanted a family, my health will probably preclude me from this as well.

No matter what my dreams have been something got in the way and stopped me being able to achieve them. Now my health is in a state that I will probably never be able to live abroad for a period of time due to medication needs and other countries charging. I will never get to become an actress, or spend Christmas on the beach in Australia. I am left with only one dream left. To make the world a nicer place even for one person so that when I die I can die knowing the world is a nicer place then when I found it.

I just wish someone would see the kind things that I am doing to make the world a nicer place and say to themselves, Let us give this girl one thing that she needs and that is her own sanctuary so she can finally live in the peace of knowing that she has more control over her life and a safe place for when she feels down. But no one has come to that realisation. No one wants to help me. The gofundme page had over 2000 views and not one person donated. Not one person said, I will give her even a small donation to her needs. So I closed it down.

I am tired because I have finally realised. No matter what I do in the world. No matter how fluffy I make the world, I am on my own. There is no one that will hear me. There is no one that will help me. I am on my own.

The darkness is closing in

I am struggling. With all the crap going on with my family its getting harder to smile. I am trying to keep my smile but at the same time it is very hard… I am trying to keep it together knowing that my family wont change and unless some people take pity on me and donate money so that I can get out of hell but praying is not helping. I am getting tired. Even had to start taking my sleeping pills again so I can get some sleep… the darkness is closing in

Autism – Semi Result

So everyone, I have managed to get a partial result from my autism assessment. Clinically the person who did the assessment said that she believes that I am autistic. She has also said that because I had no early childhood information that she cant be conclusive. I have now finally admitted to my family that I have been going through the process and my mother is being the oh woah is me and lying about how she feels. They have decided to give some factual evidence on my behalf but I am worried because my family is not close and there are things in the back ground that I cant discuss..I think my mum will try and sabotage the informant information so I am going to try and get my written medical notes so that I can submit them as well… I am really struggling with this.

Let me tell you a story….

This is the story of a young girl, who didnt have the best start in life.

This girl was the middle child in a family and when her younger sibling was born her mother, who she later found out had post natal depression, would take her anger out on her. She would get into angry situations where she would take the frustration out on her and would get angry if she ducked out of the way.

This mother then met someone who had 3 daughters of their own and things went from bad to worst. The mothers friends children used to sexually assault the girl who was not even 10 years old. The girl learnt at a very early age things like what a 69ner was. When the girl said no her abusers would make up horrible lies about her to her mother to destroy her credability. The girl had no choice but to continue until some point when the families stopped talking to each other. The girl never knew why.

There was another family who was in the same school as the girl and the badness did not stop. The girl was petrified to stay with the family as the mother was cruel and the girls completely false reputation had followed her…

The school she was in she also had no friends. She would get beaten up many times because she just did not understand what was going on. In secondary school things went from bad to worse when she was attacked in her own home over things that never happened. Girls from the school kicked in her front door and she had to leave that school as she feared for her safety.

It wasnt until someone took an interest in her where she found out that she was dyslexic and finally started to get some good grades in school.

Later in life this girl, now an adult, started drinking loads. She ended up in very aweful situations with men and she just did not understand how to socialise with other people… This lead to an attempted rape.

This girl was completely alone in everything she has had to go through but she is a strong girl.

She is me…. I stand up now for those who are in pain. If there is someone I can help I will do so. I am no one special. I am just someone that n one helped when she was in complete agony.. No one would listen to me or hear what I ws saying. My own family used words like “slut” when talkking about me instead of unsderstanding what I was going through. Ultimately I was then diagnosed with depression after I took a pen knife to my hand…

Still today people dont help when I ask. I tried to raise some money on Go Fund Me so that I could get a place away from the home I am living in and all I was met with was family members telling me I was being greedy and other people stopped talking to me. This lead me to have to shut the go fund me page down. I have to survive in a house with people who abused me and ignored me most of my life and dont really care what I do but I am still standing… Even after 3 cancer scare,….Many operations and health issues… I am still standing…

This is my story.