The darkness is closing in

I am struggling. With all the crap going on with my family its getting harder to smile. I am trying to keep my smile but at the same time it is very hard… I am trying to keep it together knowing that my family wont change and unless some people take pity on me and donate money so that I can get out of hell but praying is not helping. I am getting tired. Even had to start taking my sleeping pills again so I can get some sleep… the darkness is closing in

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Let me tell you a story….

This is the story of a young girl, who didnt have the best start in life.

This girl was the middle child in a family and when her younger sibling was born her mother, who she later found out had post natal depression, would take her anger out on her. She would get into angry situations where she would take the frustration out on her and would get angry if she ducked out of the way.

This mother then met someone who had 3 daughters of their own and things went from bad to worst. The mothers friends children used to sexually assault the girl who was not even 10 years old. The girl learnt at a very early age things like what a 69ner was. When the girl said no her abusers would make up horrible lies about her to her mother to destroy her credability. The girl had no choice but to continue until some point when the families stopped talking to each other. The girl never knew why.

There was another family who was in the same school as the girl and the badness did not stop. The girl was petrified to stay with the family as the mother was cruel and the girls completely false reputation had followed her…

The school she was in she also had no friends. She would get beaten up many times because she just did not understand what was going on. In secondary school things went from bad to worse when she was attacked in her own home over things that never happened. Girls from the school kicked in her front door and she had to leave that school as she feared for her safety.

It wasnt until someone took an interest in her where she found out that she was dyslexic and finally started to get some good grades in school.

Later in life this girl, now an adult, started drinking loads. She ended up in very aweful situations with men and she just did not understand how to socialise with other people… This lead to an attempted rape.

This girl was completely alone in everything she has had to go through but she is a strong girl.

She is me…. I stand up now for those who are in pain. If there is someone I can help I will do so. I am no one special. I am just someone that n one helped when she was in complete agony.. No one would listen to me or hear what I ws saying. My own family used words like “slut” when talkking about me instead of unsderstanding what I was going through. Ultimately I was then diagnosed with depression after I took a pen knife to my hand…

Still today people dont help when I ask. I tried to raise some money on Go Fund Me so that I could get a place away from the home I am living in and all I was met with was family members telling me I was being greedy and other people stopped talking to me. This lead me to have to shut the go fund me page down. I have to survive in a house with people who abused me and ignored me most of my life and dont really care what I do but I am still standing… Even after 3 cancer scare,….Many operations and health issues… I am still standing…

This is my story.

Autism Assessment

So yesterday was the first part of my assessment to see whether I am autistic or on the spectrum. It was a scary process for me because things came up which I really did not want to bring up again but having a better understanding of myself is what I need. I need to be able to look at people and know that there is a reason why I cant connect with others. If this gives me an answer then happy days if not then it can potentially be a stepping stone to finding out more about myself.

My second appointment is next week. I dont know how long it will be for but at least it will be one step closer to the truth.

Starting a new journey

Some time ago, it was discussed that I may fall into the category of Adult Women who were missed in terms of Autism. I have been waiting for a referal to come through from the GP and it has now come through.

So on the 13th December 2017 I start the journey into diagnosis as to whether or not I am autistic. If I am I will be able to access help and support for some of the things that I struggle with as well as have something that can explain a lot of things.

I am going through the journey on my own as when I broached the subject with my family esstentially the words that were used were not supportive and down right upsetting. So this journey is going to be done on my own… Wish me luck!