The darkness is closing in

I am struggling. With all the crap going on with my family its getting harder to smile. I am trying to keep my smile but at the same time it is very hard… I am trying to keep it together knowing that my family wont change and unless some people take pity on me and donate money so that I can get out of hell but praying is not helping. I am getting tired. Even had to start taking my sleeping pills again so I can get some sleep… the darkness is closing in



Living with family should be a nice thing. But when the relationships are toxic there will always be one person who gets the worst of it. For me that is me.

I live with a narcasist who starts fights for no reason and causes problems beyond belief. This person is the reason that I do not ever ask her what she has said to others because I will never get the truth, I will get their truth but not the real truth. This person says they understand and support you and then goes behind your back and bitches about you. Even using phrases such as “what are you, your only a _____ you dont know anything”.

I also live with a family member who calls me really nasty names and treats me like I dont even exsist. When I have tried to bridge the gapall I get is anger, frustration and rudeness.

I am honestly worried about my own wellbeing there. I am stressed all the time and when I have to be at home now I close myself off from everyone to make sure that no one can hurt me. I am worried that if I dont get money to move soon I will start falling into a depressive episode like I have not seen for a long while. If you can help me even get 1/2 the money I can get a place to live without them and support myself.

If you can help me please, I am at my wits end.

Let me tell you a story….

This is the story of a young girl, who didnt have the best start in life.

This girl was the middle child in a family and when her younger sibling was born her mother, who she later found out had post natal depression, would take her anger out on her. She would get into angry situations where she would take the frustration out on her and would get angry if she ducked out of the way.

This mother then met someone who had 3 daughters of their own and things went from bad to worst. The mothers friends children used to sexually assault the girl who was not even 10 years old. The girl learnt at a very early age things like what a 69ner was. When the girl said no her abusers would make up horrible lies about her to her mother to destroy her credability. The girl had no choice but to continue until some point when the families stopped talking to each other. The girl never knew why.

There was another family who was in the same school as the girl and the badness did not stop. The girl was petrified to stay with the family as the mother was cruel and the girls completely false reputation had followed her…

The school she was in she also had no friends. She would get beaten up many times because she just did not understand what was going on. In secondary school things went from bad to worse when she was attacked in her own home over things that never happened. Girls from the school kicked in her front door and she had to leave that school as she feared for her safety.

It wasnt until someone took an interest in her where she found out that she was dyslexic and finally started to get some good grades in school.

Later in life this girl, now an adult, started drinking loads. She ended up in very aweful situations with men and she just did not understand how to socialise with other people… This lead to an attempted rape.

This girl was completely alone in everything she has had to go through but she is a strong girl.

She is me…. I stand up now for those who are in pain. If there is someone I can help I will do so. I am no one special. I am just someone that n one helped when she was in complete agony.. No one would listen to me or hear what I ws saying. My own family used words like “slut” when talkking about me instead of unsderstanding what I was going through. Ultimately I was then diagnosed with depression after I took a pen knife to my hand…

Still today people dont help when I ask. I tried to raise some money on Go Fund Me so that I could get a place away from the home I am living in and all I was met with was family members telling me I was being greedy and other people stopped talking to me. This lead me to have to shut the go fund me page down. I have to survive in a house with people who abused me and ignored me most of my life and dont really care what I do but I am still standing… Even after 3 cancer scare,….Many operations and health issues… I am still standing…

This is my story.

Disappointment in my family’s eyes

I have come to the realisation that no matter what I do I am a disappointment in my family’s eyes. No matter what I do, no matter how well I do I am never going to be anything more than the screw up who ruins everything.

When I was first diagnosed with depression and had to leave my job my own mother told me that I had ruined Christmas and that I should go back to the place that caused me to self harm. This was hard for me to hear.

Maybe I should just give up and just settle in to this situation. I tried to raise money to become self sufficient for the first time in my life and that did not go well… I got loads of scammers come after me and people who wanted me to do unethical things for money which I would not do… I am stuck in the situation where I feel completely alone… There is no one out there who will help me and there is nothing I can do about it except hope and pray that one day I will be able to leave the environment that causes me stress and seriously affects my wellbeing…


2017 is nearly over – Time to reflect.

So 2017 is coming to an end soon. Many people will be thinking about their new years resolution I am going to reflect on my year.

So I have had a fantastic year in 2017. I started a new job in a new field which I had no knowledge of. It was hard. Not only did I have to deal with my nerves and stresses from my previous job, but as a carer who also has health issues I also had to contend with. This has been a huge juggling with.

I am now going to be focussing on 2018 and see how things go next year. I have a plan for 2018 which evolves every day. I am organising myself and have some forward planning so I know what is going to happen.

My job has shown me I need to work on myself whilst doing what I am actually falling in love with and that is being a civil servanty. This is probably one of the most important jobs that I have ever had and I goto work, even when I am feeling low, coming home and thinking I did a good thing.

So roll on 2018 I am ready for you.

Autism Assessment

So yesterday was the first part of my assessment to see whether I am autistic or on the spectrum. It was a scary process for me because things came up which I really did not want to bring up again but having a better understanding of myself is what I need. I need to be able to look at people and know that there is a reason why I cant connect with others. If this gives me an answer then happy days if not then it can potentially be a stepping stone to finding out more about myself.

My second appointment is next week. I dont know how long it will be for but at least it will be one step closer to the truth.


During Christmas time you should always make sure that you look after yourself. Make sure that you get your sleep. Sleep is very important because it will help your body relax and make sure that you are mind gets to relax.

You should not top moving. Set yourself a daily  step targets so that when January comes your body does not go into shock when you have to start moving for long periods of time.

Try not to go from eating properly to crap because that will cause you problems especially when you have to go back to eating normally again. It can cause your stomach to play up and then you feel worse for wear.

If you feel like you are going to be lonely try and do something for instance, go and see your neighbour or go to church.

Christmas is a wonderful time of year but it can also have hehighest suicide rates, so, looking after yourself helps to stop risks and know that you are able to get yourself to an urgent care facility if you need help.