TV & Me

Ok, I am going to try and explain something here that people may or may not wish to hear. TV, for some people, can be a really good thing.

Because, as a child, I didn’t┬áhave friends the only thing I really had was TV. It is where some of my passions, no matter how strange to Neuro-Typical people were born and continue to this day. I even learnt life lessons.

So shall we begin with a walk down some memory lane?

Space Above and Beyond: This was a show in the 90s which was ahead of its time in my opinion and had it come out in say 2005 with the better graphics it would have lasted longer than it did. Though it was about a galactic war between the ‘Chigs’ and the humans it really taught me a lot. It also gave me two of my favourite songs ‘Ring of Fire’ and ‘Never No More’. The show taught me tolerance for people who are different then you and how important (if I ever got them) friendship can be. About remaining human even when life throws you lemons shall we say. It taught me that when you do the right thing respect is earnt and that even if you are a specialist or a Hot Shot that you should always remain humble because around the next corner you could be knocked off of the throne.

It also gave me my love of lesser appreciated shows. I don’t know how it was received in the states but I remember having to stay up in bed until 1 am at times to try and watch an episode, or worse, trying to set my VCR to record… Not so reliable!

Profiler: Show about, well, Profiling… Kinda gave it away. Some really amazing actors and actresses within the show. It I think is where my love of criminology was born. Had I had a better experience in the education system I honestly could say I would have probably ended up as a profiler or a criminal psychologist. Even to this day, I buy books on profiling and read about serial killers.

The main thing this show taught me was even in your darkest days there is always hope and that you should fight for that hope every damn day. Also taught me that you really do not want to be stalked by a serial killer…

These two shows led me into the world of Science Fiction and Crime Dramas. Everything I watch today I can link the interest back to these two shows which taught me so much and helped me grow. Even if I could not grow in a “typical” or “normal” way, this helped me grow to be the person I am today.

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Through the Darkness

I am not saying I am completely through the darkness I have been feeling recently. I am getting there. I didn’t realise how much the Autism Assessment and how much faith I now have to put in people who have proven through my life not to be always reliable affected me and it sent me into a tailspin… This clearly is not such a good thing. What I have decided to do today is recommit myself to the goal I set myself in 2008 after my major cancer scare which was to make sure that I leave the world a little bit nicer than when I found it. I use this as a very subjective term. It could be on a large scale or on an individual scale but if I can make even one person’s life a little nicer then I have made the world nicer. (Yes I know this sounds very liberal) You don’t get to my age and go through many things that I have been through without having something good come out of it and this is my something good. It is my way to show the world that you can bend me, you can break me even, but I will always be there for anyone in need who comes to me. I leave it all on the field and sometimes even my mental health is put on the line but I do what I can to make the world a nicer place. So I have created a go fund me page to help raise money to continue and up the work that I am doing but I am also not actively campaigning to get money until May 6th When I Brave the Shave for Cancer Research UK. I am one person who is doing what I can, what can you do?

The darkness is closing in

I am struggling. With all the crap going on with my family its getting harder to smile. I am trying to keep my smile but at the same time it is very hard… I am trying to keep it together knowing that my family wont change and unless some people take pity on me and donate money so that I can get out of hell but praying is not helping. I am getting tired. Even had to start taking my sleeping pills again so I can get some sleep… the darkness is closing in

Abuse

Living with family should be a nice thing. But when the relationships are toxic there will always be one person who gets the worst of it. For me that is me.

I live with a narcasist who starts fights for no reason and causes problems beyond belief. This person is the reason that I do not ever ask her what she has said to others because I will never get the truth, I will get their truth but not the real truth. This person says they understand and support you and then goes behind your back and bitches about you. Even using phrases such as “what are you, your only a _____ you dont know anything”.

I also live with a family member who calls me really nasty names and treats me like I dont even exsist. When I have tried to bridge the gapall I get is anger, frustration and rudeness.

I am honestly worried about my own wellbeing there. I am stressed all the time and when I have to be at home now I close myself off from everyone to make sure that no one can hurt me. I am worried that if I dont get money to move soon I will start falling into a depressive episode like I have not seen for a long while. If you can help me even get 1/2 the money I can get a place to live without them and support myself.

If you can help me please, I am at my wits end.

https://www.gofundme.com/n54nq3-urgently-need-money-to-move

Feeling stupid once again

So once again my inability to read peoples intentions has bit me in the ass. There was this cute guy I thought was flirting with me but clearly he was not and he pulled me aside and told me he was in love with someone he worked with. Now aside from the fact that made me feel stupid. It also does not make me feel good about myself because the person he is in love with is a beautiful and skinny person and I am neither of those things. Always feeling stupid.

Autism – Semi Result

So everyone, I have managed to get a partial result from my autism assessment. Clinically the person who did the assessment said that she believes that I am autistic. She has also said that because I had no early childhood information that she cant be conclusive. I have now finally admitted to my family that I have been going through the process and my mother is being the oh woah is me and lying about how she feels. They have decided to give some factual evidence on my behalf but I am worried because my family is not close and there are things in the back ground that I cant discuss..I think my mum will try and sabotage the informant information so I am going to try and get my written medical notes so that I can submit them as well… I am really struggling with this.

Let me tell you a story….

This is the story of a young girl, who didnt have the best start in life.

This girl was the middle child in a family and when her younger sibling was born her mother, who she later found out had post natal depression, would take her anger out on her. She would get into angry situations where she would take the frustration out on her and would get angry if she ducked out of the way.

This mother then met someone who had 3 daughters of their own and things went from bad to worst. The mothers friends children used to sexually assault the girl who was not even 10 years old. The girl learnt at a very early age things like what a 69ner was. When the girl said no her abusers would make up horrible lies about her to her mother to destroy her credability. The girl had no choice but to continue until some point when the families stopped talking to each other. The girl never knew why.

There was another family who was in the same school as the girl and the badness did not stop. The girl was petrified to stay with the family as the mother was cruel and the girls completely false reputation had followed her…

The school she was in she also had no friends. She would get beaten up many times because she just did not understand what was going on. In secondary school things went from bad to worse when she was attacked in her own home over things that never happened. Girls from the school kicked in her front door and she had to leave that school as she feared for her safety.

It wasnt until someone took an interest in her where she found out that she was dyslexic and finally started to get some good grades in school.

Later in life this girl, now an adult, started drinking loads. She ended up in very aweful situations with men and she just did not understand how to socialise with other people… This lead to an attempted rape.

This girl was completely alone in everything she has had to go through but she is a strong girl.

She is me…. I stand up now for those who are in pain. If there is someone I can help I will do so. I am no one special. I am just someone that n one helped when she was in complete agony.. No one would listen to me or hear what I ws saying. My own family used words like “slut” when talkking about me instead of unsderstanding what I was going through. Ultimately I was then diagnosed with depression after I took a pen knife to my hand…

Still today people dont help when I ask. I tried to raise some money on Go Fund Me so that I could get a place away from the home I am living in and all I was met with was family members telling me I was being greedy and other people stopped talking to me. This lead me to have to shut the go fund me page down. I have to survive in a house with people who abused me and ignored me most of my life and dont really care what I do but I am still standing… Even after 3 cancer scare,….Many operations and health issues… I am still standing…

This is my story.