Living with disabilities

Firstly I want to say, today is a joyous occasion because Prince Harry and Meghan Merkle got married. To the happy couple I would like to say Congratulations and I hope you have a wonderful life together.

I had to get the happy stuff out of the way before I went onto what this blog is about.

I am a 31 year old Autistic, Dyslexic who has Depression and Muscularskeletal issues and live in one of the most expensive cities in the United Kingdom. Life for me is by no means a walk in the park.

I wake up every morning absolutely sore and in pain every day of my life. There has maybe been 3 days in the last 3 years where I have not woken up in pain. I have to take many medications some of which I have to take so that the others do not have an adverse reaction on me and cause me to have a stroke. Just walking to the bus stop in the morning causes me pain and if there is a wall that is high enough for me to sit on easily and get up easily from afterwards I have to use it.

I have had to suffer from abuse on the bus because my disabilities are what’s called a hidden disability and not obvious by the fact of crutches or a wheel chair. I have been called a “fat lazy bitch”, a “hypercondriac” and told that “I should put down the chrisps and get my fucking lazy ass to the gym”.  Can you imagine what that is like to hear every day just because I have asked an able bodied person to give up a priority seat so that I can sit down. There have been times that I have just wanted to cry myself to sleep at night wondering what is going to happen.

At work I have to have a Personal Evacuation plan because I cant walk down loads of steps safely. It is a major health and safety hazard. I have had to get a special chair ordered for me so that I am not always having to readjust the way I am sitting.

At home I have to have things that aid me in cooking and even going to the bathroom.

With all the things that are going on including the abuse I get on public transpportation I often find that I am struggling mentally. I find it hard to even get up and go into having a shower every day. I maybe shower once or twice a week. It can be so hard to remain positive when everything is so messed up with my own body. I am often thinking “at 31 this should not be my life”.

With my dyslexia I have to have special software at work which I only wish I had for when I am at home. That way when I am doing things like writing blogs I would be able to listen to the words that I am typing and pick up any errors I make. But this is so expensive.

I am trying to figure out how to survive all that goes on in my body and I have no help. Even worse, my benefits were stopped and that was helping me be able to stay in work 5 days a week. Since then I have had to take out credit cards and over drafts. I have had to take a woke given loan so that I could try and pau off some of the bills I acrued and now loose £500 of my salary every month just to pay it off. This is not the life I wanted to have. but I am stuck. There is no one to help me. I have had a GoFundMe Page to help at least with getting dyslexia equiptment and only two people have donated. No one cares to help someone who has had the world collapse around her.

Life with multiple disabilities is hard. Hopefully on Monday when I goto court to get the money back that was unjustly taken I will suceed.

If anyone feels like they want to help (no pressure) https://www.gofundme.com/dyslexic-equiptement-for-education

 

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Surviving

This word means a lot to me when I am having a good day that is. It signals that I am still standing even though I have gone through and am going through hell!

So to help me be strong I will tell you what I survived.

As a child I survive physical abuse from my family. I survived sexual abuse from the children of friends of the family who were in their teens. I was an undiagnosed dyslexic and autistic child which contributed to no friends and poor educatiom.

As an adult I survived an attempted rape. Various situations which I can put down to once again not understanding people and undiagnosed autism. And now am surviving emotional abuse from family once again.

I have chosen not to use the word victim because that denotes shame but I have nothing to be ashamed off. i have been let down and by people who should love and protect me… I will nolonger be ashamed!

TV & Me

Ok, I am going to try and explain something here that people may or may not wish to hear. TV, for some people, can be a really good thing.

Because, as a child, I didn’t have friends the only thing I really had was TV. It is where some of my passions, no matter how strange to Neuro-Typical people were born and continue to this day. I even learnt life lessons.

So shall we begin with a walk down some memory lane?

Space Above and Beyond: This was a show in the 90s which was ahead of its time in my opinion and had it come out in say 2005 with the better graphics it would have lasted longer than it did. Though it was about a galactic war between the ‘Chigs’ and the humans it really taught me a lot. It also gave me two of my favourite songs ‘Ring of Fire’ and ‘Never No More’. The show taught me tolerance for people who are different then you and how important (if I ever got them) friendship can be. About remaining human even when life throws you lemons shall we say. It taught me that when you do the right thing respect is earnt and that even if you are a specialist or a Hot Shot that you should always remain humble because around the next corner you could be knocked off of the throne.

It also gave me my love of lesser appreciated shows. I don’t know how it was received in the states but I remember having to stay up in bed until 1 am at times to try and watch an episode, or worse, trying to set my VCR to record… Not so reliable!

Profiler: Show about, well, Profiling… Kinda gave it away. Some really amazing actors and actresses within the show. It I think is where my love of criminology was born. Had I had a better experience in the education system I honestly could say I would have probably ended up as a profiler or a criminal psychologist. Even to this day, I buy books on profiling and read about serial killers.

The main thing this show taught me was even in your darkest days there is always hope and that you should fight for that hope every damn day. Also taught me that you really do not want to be stalked by a serial killer…

These two shows led me into the world of Science Fiction and Crime Dramas. Everything I watch today I can link the interest back to these two shows which taught me so much and helped me grow. Even if I could not grow in a “typical” or “normal” way, this helped me grow to be the person I am today.

Through the Darkness

I am not saying I am completely through the darkness I have been feeling recently. I am getting there. I didn’t realise how much the Autism Assessment and how much faith I now have to put in people who have proven through my life not to be always reliable affected me and it sent me into a tailspin… This clearly is not such a good thing. What I have decided to do today is recommit myself to the goal I set myself in 2008 after my major cancer scare which was to make sure that I leave the world a little bit nicer than when I found it. I use this as a very subjective term. It could be on a large scale or on an individual scale but if I can make even one person’s life a little nicer then I have made the world nicer. (Yes I know this sounds very liberal) You don’t get to my age and go through many things that I have been through without having something good come out of it and this is my something good. It is my way to show the world that you can bend me, you can break me even, but I will always be there for anyone in need who comes to me. I leave it all on the field and sometimes even my mental health is put on the line but I do what I can to make the world a nicer place. So I have created a go fund me page to help raise money to continue and up the work that I am doing but I am also not actively campaigning to get money until May 6th When I Brave the Shave for Cancer Research UK. I am one person who is doing what I can, what can you do?

The darkness is closing in

I am struggling. With all the crap going on with my family its getting harder to smile. I am trying to keep my smile but at the same time it is very hard… I am trying to keep it together knowing that my family wont change and unless some people take pity on me and donate money so that I can get out of hell but praying is not helping. I am getting tired. Even had to start taking my sleeping pills again so I can get some sleep… the darkness is closing in

Abuse

Living with family should be a nice thing. But when the relationships are toxic there will always be one person who gets the worst of it. For me that is me.

I live with a narcasist who starts fights for no reason and causes problems beyond belief. This person is the reason that I do not ever ask her what she has said to others because I will never get the truth, I will get their truth but not the real truth. This person says they understand and support you and then goes behind your back and bitches about you. Even using phrases such as “what are you, your only a _____ you dont know anything”.

I also live with a family member who calls me really nasty names and treats me like I dont even exsist. When I have tried to bridge the gapall I get is anger, frustration and rudeness.

I am honestly worried about my own wellbeing there. I am stressed all the time and when I have to be at home now I close myself off from everyone to make sure that no one can hurt me. I am worried that if I dont get money to move soon I will start falling into a depressive episode like I have not seen for a long while. If you can help me even get 1/2 the money I can get a place to live without them and support myself.

If you can help me please, I am at my wits end.

https://www.gofundme.com/n54nq3-urgently-need-money-to-move

Feeling stupid once again

So once again my inability to read peoples intentions has bit me in the ass. There was this cute guy I thought was flirting with me but clearly he was not and he pulled me aside and told me he was in love with someone he worked with. Now aside from the fact that made me feel stupid. It also does not make me feel good about myself because the person he is in love with is a beautiful and skinny person and I am neither of those things. Always feeling stupid.